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Finally, The Details

For those not interested in reading gory details about miscarriages, you might want to not bother with this post.

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Watch. Ruminate. Share.

KONY 2012 is a film and campaign by Invisible Children that aims to make Joseph Kony famous, not to celebrate him, but to raise support for his arrest and set a precedent for international justice. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Y4MnpzG5Sqc

Freelance?

Being off work since Tuesday due to going through a miscarriage but having to continue to get my work done has got me thinking. Did I give up on freelance work too quickly? I mean, it’s a great way to make money and it’s also a way to have complete creative freedom on the projects I create. If we do end up with a bouncing baby in the future, I want to be able to stay home and be with him (or her). Financially this terrifies me.

When I think of all the reasons I gave up freelance the idea to take it up again doesn’t sound like such a good one. I work incredibly hard at my day job and the thought of coming home and doing more work used to make me angry. I had no time for “H” and more importantly, no time for myself. A lot of the work I did started with friends and family and it extended from there. When I gave up freelance, a LOT of people took it personally and I actually lost two friendships because of it. I mean, obviously there were other, underlying issues but that turned out to be the straw that broke the friendships’ back.

I realize that if I was a stay-at-home mom and doing freelance that I wouldn’t be doing the 9-5 thing anymore so that alleviates that burden. I could also make a strict no friends and family rule. But where the hell would I even start?

I swore that my current job would be my last graphic design job. I don’t want to do it. I don’t enjoy it anymore. I want to plan events but you have to leave the house to do that. I want to own a venue where I also live. That’s the ideal situation for me. Maybe have a sweet, old barn on my property where I hold weddings and offer event planning services as well.

I’d offer environmentally friendly options. I’d have the best vegan caterers available and I’d push them on people. Okay, maybe not push them but I’d strongly suggest they think about it.

Basically it would seem that I’m setting myself up to be some sort of hermit. What is wrong with me?

It’s Finally Happening

No one could have prepared me for the pain. It’s been 48 hours of intense cramping and a LOT of blood. The cramps last for about 45 seconds and come in two minute intervals. I’ve had a few hours of relief but I’ve also had a few hours of constant cramps without intervals. Drugs, hot shower, heating pad…nothing alleviates the pain.

I had to sleep on the couch last night because I was moaning and writhing and I didn’t want to keep “H” awake. This morning I feel better but I know it’s not over because I haven’t passed the “products of conception.” Oh yeah, that’s what they’re called. Lovely.

I wanted so badly to do this naturally and I don’t regret my decision but I don’t know if I could knowingly do it again. Given the choice, I think next time I’d opt for a D&C. It has nothing to do with the emotional side of things. I’m totally fine there. It’s just that this pain and not knowing when it’s going to end is really getting to me.

Why doesn’t anyone talk about this? I have so many friends who have gone through this but they’ve never gone into any detail. Now that I’ve scoured the internet for other people who have gone through it, I’ve had a better idea of what to expect. And it’s gross and awful.

Pleasantly Surprised

I couldn’t sleep on Thursday night, the day before my doctor’s appointment. I was dreading what I knew was coming.

I had booked off two hours from work for this appointment. They tend to keep me waiting. I arrived right on time (10:45 am) and was called at 10:49 am. Things were looking up! I followed my doctor back to her office and before I even sat down I confessed I had not taken the Misoprostol (vag insertions) and as I was taking off my coat she told me she knew that. Since I’ve been having blood taken the past two weeks, she has seen the rate of my hormone decline and while it’s great, it was obvious I didn’t take the drugs. Then she stunned me and told me it was totally fine. She is very pleased with my hormone decrease and said that if I want to wait, I should wait. She said there is nothing unhealthy about it unless I get a fever or show other signs of infection.

YESSSSSSSS!

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Waiting is the Hardest Part

Well it happened. The thing I knew was a big possibility but was (obviously) hoping wouldn’t happen to me: a miscarriage. Well, that’s not exactly true. I’m waiting to miscarry.

Two weeks ago I went to my 8 week ultrasound, excited to see the heartbeat and hear that my baby was developing normally. Of course the tech could tell me nothing but when she didn’t offer to show me heartbeat, I knew something was up. She told me to call my doctor in an hour for the results. I did. They weren’t good. Apparently the baby had stopped developing at 6 weeks. Oh, and they saw something else in there. A cyst-type thing. Could be nothing. Could be a tumour. Could be cancer. Maybe not. Probably not. The good news just keeps on coming.

Here I am 2 weeks later, 4 weeks past the ‘death’ of my baby and I still have not miscarried.

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I Don’t Know What to Think Anymore

I had my first prenatal appointment with my new Ob/Gyn. I was very unprepared for the, how should I say, thorough evaluation I received.Yowza. After a LOT of talking, she told me I should stop drinking soy milk. The estrogen in it will harm my baby. She said in order to get enough calcium I need to start drinking cow’s milk. It goes against everything I know, everything I believe. And frankly it’s already created a rift between us, although I doubt she knows that.

I’ll need to do some more research.

I was away from work for a total of three hours and I have to go have blood taken as well as an ultrasound at 8 weeks. Because of being away so much, I felt like I had to tell my boss the good news. She took it well. She even seemed happy. Once she starts doing the math she won’t be. I organize our annual 3-day conference and I’m due about 3 weeks before it’s scheduled to take place.

Things should get interesting.

Five Weeks and Nothing to Report

Apparently I’m five weeks and two days pregnant. You coulda fooled me. Other than feeling a little tired at times and maybe a little queasy, I feel exactly the same as I always do. I’ve convinced myself that this pregnancy is going to terminate itself so I haven’t really been making any plans. Some may call this cynical, I prefer to think of it as realistic. It’s not that I worry about it, it’s as if it’s a fact. Although I wouldn’t be happy about it. I really could use some time away from work to do something more fulfilling than peddling weight loss.

Regardless of what happens with this little sesame seed, I am doing my damndest to make sure it’s the healthiest little pupa around. I’m 99% plant-based, non-processed, caffeine-free and nutrient-rich. I make sure to get enough sleep and go for walks as often as I can. I haven’t taken a bath since the stick said ‘yes’ (I like ‘em hot and apparently that can bake the little guy).

I can’t get over how cool “H” seems to be with the whole thing. When I would think about getting pregnant, I always assumed he’d be uninvolved and terrified until he had no choice but to face it because it was in front of him. That’s not the case. He’s interested, involved and amazing. I’m kind of annoyed at myself for thinking he’d be any other way.

I told him the other day that if it’s a boy, we should name him Ebenezer (you know, after Mr. Scrooge). He was not a fan and he did not mince words when telling me so.

I have an appointment with a new Doctor on Tuesday. An ob/gyn. A female. I hope she’s not going to want me to take my pants off. That’s the worst. I guess I should get used to it though. I hear you have to do that a lot when you’re having a baby. Ugh.

A Positive Sign

So that happened. There it is, a positive reading after peeing on a stick. I guess it was bound to happen. I just didn’t think it would happen so fast. I peed on the stick on December 27 then another on December 29 to be sure. It looks like it stuck.

After the first positive reading I began sweating profusely. Then I showed the stick to “H” so he could join me in the sweating and boy did he. We talked about who we would tell and who we’re going to wait on. I got three friends and allowed him to have one. So generous. I’m cautiously optimistic. I’ve seen enough of my friends go through disappointment. I don’t want to have to explain that things didn’t work out to anyone other than my three closest friends.

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